Gratitude

Writing

Something beautiful and terrifying is happening. I am starting to move into my body. To feel it.

It humbles me. I feel so deeply that I am part of nature.

My body moves in cycles, with the moon, with the seasons, with the coming and going of night and day. It moves me. It feels like an art to allow it, to start flowing in harmony with it.

I am just dipping my toe in the water. I have learned to be patient and allow. Not to rush and force my own unfolding.

But there is a burning desire deep in my belly to come home. To surrender and become one with the grass and the wind and the oceans. To dissolve and be no more.

Just a dance, a laugh, an embrace. Limitless and free.

A little girl finding her light

Writing

Once upon a time in a land not so far away a girl was born out of a monster. This monster was disguised as a woman, and a beloved one at that. With her cunning ways she ensnared everyone around her into her grip and slowly, slowly sucked them dry, whilst looking them in the eyes with a caring smile.

It was not enough, the woman–monster was starving and she wanted more. Therefore she brought a little girl into this world. A helpless one. Someone she new would give up her life for hers, a girl that would ensure the riches of the man she longed to marry… and so it went.

A girl was born, a little light arrived in the arms of the woman and filled up the whole inside. The woman needed this light at all times as she did not wish to feel the emptiness inside of her.

The girl was blinded by love and ignorance. As she grew she took her place in the world, a small one next to her mother. The woman was afraid, afraid that the girl one day would see the truth, see that what she knew to be love actually was not. The woman couldn’t afford this to happen, so she locked the girl away. She made sure she would never be able to see what real love was.

One day the girl met a strange man. This man looked at her and she felt a warmth she had never felt before. “Curious this feeling…” thought the girl. She stared at him with big open eyes and she sucked in every ounce of love she could. You see the woman had nourished herself from the girl for so long that the girl herself now had a hole inside, just like her mother. Day by day the man grew closer to the girl. And one day he too hid her away in secret. What he wanted to do with her was something no one was to know about. Once again the girl was hidden away.

Something you ought to know about this man is that he was a powerful one. Many saw what he was doing with the girl, but who were they to interfere? “No, no much better to look away” they told themselves.

As the little girl grew older things started to change, she was getting sick. She no longer had enough light inside her to feed the others around her. She did not even have enough light inside to feed herself. She did the only thing she knew how, she ran away. She ran as far away from the kingdom as she could.

One day she met a fairy. A sort of creature she had never seen before. The fairy had big innocent eyes, they were full of light but they frightened the girl a bit. She felt like these eyes could see everything inside of her and they were full of something she did not know so much about yet, they were full of truth.

The fairy became a guiding light for the little girl, who was not so little anymore. Slowly, slowly the girl started to heal. It was a painful process to learn more about this thing called truth. It worked like medicine and slowly the light inside her grew stronger again. She met other girls and boys who were taking this medicine too.

Something was missing. She was still hiding. She had escaped but she had been forced to leave parts of her behind. Little bits and pieces of her that she had to let go of on the way just to survive. The things that had been too heavy to carry with her.

As she grew stronger the gaping holes became more visible. She learned that until she found these pieces of herself and reclaimed them she wouldn’t be able to fully grow up and become a woman. She wanted to find these missing pieces and bring them back so that she could become whole again.

She knew what she needed to do and the girl wasn’t alone anymore. You see the little girl didn’t only have help from the fairy with the big truthful eyes, she also had help from someone very special… a wizard.

With her new found courage and light the girl started the long journey back towards the kingdom she once had called home. She would have to face many challenges and obstacles on the way, but it was okay. She was stronger now, and she knew she could do it because she wasn’t alone anymore.

The end.

Patiently waiting for surrender

POETRY

A hopeless exhaustion of…
…of making the same mistakes again and again and again

This is not something I can power through
This is something I need to surrender to

How am I supposed to “do” surrender?
I can’t.

I need to have the willingness to understand
the wisdom of not repeating the same mistakes
and the patience to put myself back together everytime I’m neither willing nor wise

A Gentle Let-Go

POETRY

My heart is aching again
An empty hole sucking in every bit of light and joy

Grieving my past as I slowly open up
Layer after layer

Feeling it all through
Looking again and again, letting it all wash away

Fear of the unknown, even if the unknown is JOY

Pacing myself. There is no rush

Again and again coming back to the now and remembering that it is in my hands now
I can allow anything and be as gentle and loving as I can and want.

A mothering tree

POETRY

A girl is sitting under a tree and asking for a mother
“I do not have any arms to hold you” she says
“That’s okay” says the girl “my mother also doesn’t hold me”
“Okay” says the tree “but I don’t have any ears to listen”
“My mother also doesn’t listen to me” says the girl
“Okay” says the tree “I can’t see you I don’t have any eyes”
“It’s okay” says the girl “my mother has eyes byt she still doesn’t see me”

The tree stands still, unwavering
The girl lies down in her own embrace and lets the tree hold her
Not saying anything, not looking, not listening, but still a mother
Still place to come home to, a place to feel safe, welcome, embraced
A little girl was lying under a tree and in the tree’s embrace she rocked herself to sleep

Frozen spring

POETRY

Everything becomes so cold all of a sudden

I do not know where to go

I cannot move I cannot talk

It is like everything has frozen to ice

A storm is inside

A storm that cannot be released

A storm that could not be released

But now what?

The storm is over and it is a sunny day in the end of May but I am still cold

How do you move on after something like this?

How do you survive?