Patiently waiting for surrender

POETRY

A hopeless exhaustion of…
…of making the same mistakes again and again and again

This is not something I can power through
This is something I need to surrender to

How am I supposed to “do” surrender?
I can’t.

I need to have the willingness to understand
the wisdom of not repeating the same mistakes
and the patience to put myself back together everytime I’m neither willing nor wise

A Gentle Let-Go

POETRY

My heart is aching again
An empty hole sucking in every bit of light and joy

Grieving my past as I slowly open up
Layer after layer

Feeling it all through
Looking again and again, letting it all wash away

Fear of the unknown, even if the unknown is JOY

Pacing myself. There is no rush

Again and again coming back to the now and remembering that it is in my hands now
I can allow anything and be as gentle and loving as I can and want.

A mothering tree

POETRY

A girl is sitting under a tree and asking for a mother
“I do not have any arms to hold you” she says
“That’s okay” says the girl “my mother also doesn’t hold me”
“Okay” says the tree “but I don’t have any ears to listen”
“My mother also doesn’t listen to me” says the girl
“Okay” says the tree “I can’t see you I don’t have any eyes”
“It’s okay” says the girl “my mother has eyes byt she still doesn’t see me”

The tree stands still, unwavering
The girl lies down in her own embrace and lets the tree hold her
Not saying anything, not looking, not listening, but still a mother
Still place to come home to, a place to feel safe, welcome, embraced
A little girl was lying under a tree and in the tree’s embrace she rocked herself to sleep

Frozen spring

POETRY

Everything becomes so cold all of a sudden

I do not know where to go

I cannot move I cannot talk

It is like everything has frozen to ice

A storm is inside

A storm that cannot be released

A storm that could not be released

But now what?

The storm is over and it is a sunny day in the end of May but I am still cold

How do you move on after something like this?

How do you survive?

Taking myself by the hand

POETRY

One can hide so much inside
I can see how the story of Alice in Wonderland came to life

I am swimming in my own unconscious mind
I am knee deep in the dark twistedness of my mind

Memories coming to the surface
Unfolding
Uncovering the truth of what happened to me as a child

Luckily there is an adult here to care for me now

I need to step in as my own care-taker
my own best friend
my own mother
my own father
my own sister
my own saviour

The unconditional love I have for myself cannot be replaced by anyone else.


Credit to the artist on insta @carrececile ✨

Letting go

POETRY

A whirlwind of emotions coming to its peak
from here there is only one way to go

Into a let-go
dissolving
merging
and standing empty handed
naked and exposed

In a place of not knowing
letting the uncertainty be present
unsteady
wavering

Yet there is something so comforting

I know I am unconditionally loved by existence
and whatever happens to me
I am held in its embrace

A Monster in Disguise

POETRY

Urging to escape from my sorrows
If I let go what will I have?
The monsters are my best friends
the darkness is my shelter
and fear my only thrill

Ecstasy only lasts so long
and once I have seen through the endless cycle of highs and lows
the game looses its hook in me

What is left is a stagnant lake
a grey shade of something that is no longer here

It is my safety my hell
My mind is allowed to roam freely here
To dream, to long for, to pretend and disguise anything that is real
Here I can be a victim a dancer and a lover without having to lift a finger…
The only problem is that I am dreaming and in these days I am missing life
I am wasting away and falling further and further away from my truth, my center
and from anything that can bring light into my darkness