My last post

ME

I started this blog a bit over a year ago, not knowing what would come out of it or exactly what my intention was. I did know that I had a big need to become visible. To share parts of myself that were well hidden and to allow myself to be vulnerable when bringing these things into the light. I feel like this has been a space where I have been able to do that and that makes me feel really happy and grateful.

Thank you so much for reading what I have shared here and for receiving me in my vulnerability. I hope I have been able to plant a few seeds in you as well, maybe even inspired someone to dare to show up in vulnerability too.

With that said, with a lot of excitement and curiosity about what is to come, I close this chapter and get ready to start a new one.

Much love!!, Leela

Patiently waiting for surrender

POETRY

A hopeless exhaustion of…
…of making the same mistakes again and again and again

This is not something I can power through
This is something I need to surrender to

How am I supposed to “do” surrender?
I can’t.

I need to have the willingness to understand
the wisdom of not repeating the same mistakes
and the patience to put myself back together everytime I’m neither willing nor wise

Please Take Me Home

POETRY

To face oneself might be one of the most excruciating things one can do…

…and still there is no question in my heart.

We are brought up to put ourselves down. To shame ourselves for who we are, for our desires, our longings, our wounds, our needs.

We are brought up in an unnatural society and to start becoming natural again is not always easy. It is scary and painful, uncertain and many people around will not be able to understand.

But I am longing to come home.

I am longing for myself.

For my own being, my own love, my own light.

Osho …. at home in himself …

To help yourself

POETRY

A wave of anguish and fear

A storm of emotions

A flashback

I am here present, yet not really

I am reliving something through my body and I can not make it stop

I try my best to come back, to feel safe again, calm, at home in my bed

But the nightmare continues

I want to wake up

Please Anna wake up

I am safe here

You are not alone

I hear someone talking to me. But I can not listen. It is too late

Help!!

I know someone is there

I know that she is keeping me safe

Yet it feels like I am about to die

I know this is not happening now

I can breathe through this

Let the emotions have their space and then move through

I can let them burn out

I am safe

I am here

I am okay

I am seen

I am loved

Everything is okay

One breath at a time

Slowly slowly coming back

Back to my body

Back to the present moment

Something new

POETRY

Seeing deeper within myself

Uncovering truths deep under the surface

Having an understanding that I am in the right path

There is nowhere else to move

Just be

Live, laugh, see, cry, heal and dare to own up to whatever is uncovered

It is right now the transformation happens

In the little things

Holding myself when I want to run away

Making small changes, by and by the transformation happens

By and by I am finding my essence

Embodying something real

Letting the sadness wash over me

I am ready to try something new

Breathing into pain

POETRY

The pain of transformation is ripping my body apart

Everything I thought was me is falling away

I can rest in the center of the storm

Knowing an opening is happening

Neither falling apart nor fighting it

Simply staying present and feeling it

Feeling everything I could not feel as a child

Holding my little girl in my arms and feeling it with her

It all becomes clear

I can see the record that has been playing before my eyes

Falling in the unknown

Everything is spinning

I am still present still here still feeling it

What if I can actually be free?

What would happen?

What would I do?

I can give my little girl everything she ever wanted

I am not alone because I have me

I will never leave my side

It is okay my love

You are going to be okay

You will se

A new reality

POETRY

To experience once reality evaporate

Left in a space where words have no meaning

An emptiness that is so full yet there is nothing to grab onto

A peculiar feeling of complete freedom and openness yet there is nothing that can be done, nowhere to move

If all is here in this very moment then how can you move somewhere else?

Space

POETRY

A blank space

Blown open

Trembling as there is no way back

No way to move forward

Just to be present and allow

Allow the process to work in me

Allow my body to rest

Allow my mind to grasp for information and lovingly seeing it is okay to not know

I am here

I am dissolving

Seeing I am just a space

Love is all there is and I cannot disconnect and hide anymore

I am open to seeing more

I am open to this journey